#219 Superhero/heroine

I'm trying out Sunday Scribblings, let's see how this goes!



It’s 2 am on a Thursday morning of final exam week. My best friend Ryan is lying stomach-down on the floor of the living room, poring over a new-ish comic. I honestly don’t know whether it’s been published by Marvel or DC or some indie company, as I’ve always been more of a manga fan myself. I’m sitting cross-legged on the couch, gazing through smudged glasses at my laptop’s screen. I play a flash version of Space Invaders and sip absently at a Red Bull. That show about firefighters with the really catchy theme song drones in the background on my television, but neither of us are watching.

Ryan and I have been crashing at each other’s places for the last week or so, because it’s the last week of high school, and we’re seniors. Which means graduation. And then college. Ryan plans to head off to MIT to become and engineer of some sort. I leave for Boston University’s communications school later in the summer. So in a way, this is our last week together before we face The Real World. And face it alone. I know how badly this hurts me, but I would never admit it. Not to anyone, and least of all to him, I think as I move my little eight-bit character across the blacked out screen, the little pew! sounds of the tiny gun making me smile despite how low I feel.

“Audrey,” Ryan throws a gum wrapper at me, managing to hit my shin. I look down at him, his face tilts up, his newly short hair sticking up slightly, and my stomach leaps. I curse my stupid body silently and pick the wrapper up, tossing it back.

“Yes…?” I take another sip of my Red Bull. I know what I want him to say, and I attempt to use any latent telepathic powers I have to send this message to him.

“Got any more Red Bull?” he nods his head in the direction of mine, which now sits on the coffee table. Of course, the telepathy completely failed. But then again, if it had worked, I don’t think I’d react very well.

“Uh, yeah. In the fridge, dude,” I frown subconsciously at him, and watch him as he goes to the kitchen. He absently runs a hand over his hair.

I turn back to the kitchen, and wonder at myself. How did I go from hating him in kindergarten when he stole my Pikachu doll, tolerating him in elementary school, gaming with him in middle school, to now, the week before graduation, being his best friend in the world, and I’m about to blow it. Because I’m in love with him.

My mind blanks, as if it’s processing this information and it’s unsettling. I love him. And I know it’s not the silly high school puppy stuff that fades long before it becomes, “Facebook Official.” I care about his feelings and his opinions, and moreover, his happiness. Which is why I haven’t said anything, and fully supported his choice of MIT, though I knew what implications it would have on our friendship, and my little “l-word” problem. Because that would make him happy. And knowing that his best friend, the one who is just as obsessed with Bruce Wayne’s Batman as he is, loves him and would want nothing more than just to be around him, would most certainly not make him happy. If anything, he’d probably run away screaming and never talk to me again. I couldn’t live with that.

But I can’t live with this either. This pounding feeling whenever he’s near, the fact that I now notice every little thing he does and it just makes me love him more, and the fact that he doesn’t even know is maddening. He’s so oblivious it makes me want to just blurt it out so that I can get over it. Let’s face it, there’s no way he’d ever feel the same way. I mean, he has his pick of any girl, any guy, anyone. No way he’d ever go for someone like me. Caffeine and music addicted with a terrible penchant for all things Japanese.

No, no, no, I chide myself, shaking my head as he returns. He sees this and cocks an eyebrow, but says nothing. I have to tell him. If he doesn’t feel the same way, at least I can begin to move on. And adopt some cats, comfortably settle into my life as a spinster…because I already know this is the end of our friendship. At least I’ll never have to wonder why, right?

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster, I wish I was a super-heroine right now. Able to save the day, make things right, and end up with the guy.

“Ryan!” I suddenly exclaim as soon as he’s settled.

“Audrey!” He responds with equal enthusiasm, smiling slightly. “Yeah?”

I can feel my stomach flipping and my palms becoming all gross and sweaty. “Uh…I have to-to tell you…something,”

“Okay,” Ryan says, facial expression unfathomable.

I take a deep breath, and take the plunge. “Ryan I know we’ve been friends forever and only just recently become really really good friends and trust me I don’t want to jeopardize that because I really love what we have and I can trust you more than anyone and you’re super cool and smart and you’ve seen me at my worst and haven’t judged me for it and I know how rare that is but I’m going to risk having you hate me for life or think I’m a complete and utter loser because the truth is Ryan, I can’t avoid this anymore, but I love you. I--I’m in love you, Ryan. I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I’m so sorry.”

Stinging drops of salty water form at the corner of my eyelids, but I do my best not to cry as I watch my friendship crumble around me. And it’s all my fault. Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut? I close my eyes and the tears spill out, fat drops that trickle down my cheeks. But I don’t let out a sob. I will not let him know how much that took out of me.

As I try to find my happy place, I feel him move to sit beside me. Ryan wraps his arms around me, so that my head is against his chest. He lifts my chin up so I see him, and he wipes my tears with his thumb. It’s sweet, but I don’t understand what’s going on. Shouldn’t he be running in terror now?

He smiles at me and kisses my forehead. “Audrey….” he murmurs in my ear. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to say that.”

I dare to smile. I didn’t need to be a super-heroine after all. I saved the day, I made things right, and against all odds---I’ve had the guy longer than I even knew. And in this moment, everything is okay.